I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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