Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
