sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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