he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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