OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
