That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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