glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
