Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
