Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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