took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
