when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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