I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
