sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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