I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize