I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
