Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
