Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
