I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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