The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
