I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
