There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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