I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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