a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
