I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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