Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
