Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
