sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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