i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sext me about skeletons
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