it's not cheating when I paid for it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
