Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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