But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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