I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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