my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
