It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
