I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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