After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
