i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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