I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
