OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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