I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
