Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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