There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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