Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
