Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
