I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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