dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
