he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
