I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
