I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
