So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
