i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
