Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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