mondays should just be called national damage control day
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
