Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
