I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
