she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just want to make out with him forever
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
