I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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