shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
