Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
