I am puke
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
