woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
