I just threw up on my dentist
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
